Final post
This is my final post on this blog. I have already told some of you about the new blog I started for while I am in Iowa, for any of you who do not know about it and want to check it out, it's puzzlepalaceiowa.blogspot.com. I am only posting this because I need to get a few things off my mind. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly reserved person. I have always been what people consider "shy" until I get to know someone. About nine years ago, I became a different person. I used to be happy, have fun, and like my life. It all changed when I had my heart broken for the first and only time. I didn't fall in love until I was 23, and when he left me I was in so much pain I couldn't believe it. I had lived here (in MS) less than a year and if it had not been for my son, there is a very good possibility that I would have done something very stupid and cowardly. But since that day I have been a different person. I have built up walls and although I try to be there for the people that I care about whenever they need me, I won't let myself depend on or need anyone. It is a very lonely existence. I have had boyfriends since him but never let myself truly care about them since I figured they wouldn't be around long. My self-esteem is crap, I thought Kevin and I were really happy together and it was a complete surprise when he broke up with me and I never understood why. I know I am not the most beautiful woman but I don't think I am that horrible am I? And if anyone actually answers this, be honest...I don't want a bunch of BS about how "any guy would be lucky to have me", I want to know what is wrong with me that I can't even get a decent guy to ask me on a date. Besides that, I feel like I am ruining my son. I know I am hard on him, but he is so smart and could do so many things but I see him throwing it all away just like I did when I was 17. He seems so alone and has difficulty even making a simple decision. Someone I care a lot about told me not so long ago that the reason she couldn't tell me something is because she felt like she was disappointing me if she didn't follow my advice but that's the farthest thing from the truth. So many people ask me for help and advice, and I always give it because I think it is what they want and what I am supposed to do but what I really want is to help them so that they can stand on their own, I don't want to make every decision for anyone, not even my son. What is he going to do when he graduates in 5 years and is on his own? Besides not letting anyone I've dated get too close, I have kept my friends at a distance as well. None of my friends really know me, they think I have my life together and know exactly what to do but in reality I am a mess. I put on a great face in public but I am actually depressed and scared and sad. There are so many things that no one knows about me, and all I really want is to find someone who actually wants to know me. They want to know me, be there for me, not judge me, and help me when I need it. But my friends ask me what's wrong and when I don't open up they drop it. I don't share because I don't think anyone really wants to hear my problems, they just feel obligated to ask and if I push them away then they feel like they tried. I am sitting here, alone in my apartment in Des Moines, watching the movie Keeping the Faith. It's a great movie, even though I am not a religious person, and makes me think about things. I feel like there is this big hole in my life, a hole that should be filled with friends, family, and someone who loves me. I know it is my own fault that this hole exists but I have absolutely no idea what to do to change it, this is all I've known for so long. I guess that's enough, I promise if you check out the other blog the happy, carefree Amy is the one you will find there.