It's never too late to be what you might have been.

7.09.2006

Final post

This is my final post on this blog. I have already told some of you about the new blog I started for while I am in Iowa, for any of you who do not know about it and want to check it out, it's puzzlepalaceiowa.blogspot.com. I am only posting this because I need to get a few things off my mind. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fairly reserved person. I have always been what people consider "shy" until I get to know someone. About nine years ago, I became a different person. I used to be happy, have fun, and like my life. It all changed when I had my heart broken for the first and only time. I didn't fall in love until I was 23, and when he left me I was in so much pain I couldn't believe it. I had lived here (in MS) less than a year and if it had not been for my son, there is a very good possibility that I would have done something very stupid and cowardly. But since that day I have been a different person. I have built up walls and although I try to be there for the people that I care about whenever they need me, I won't let myself depend on or need anyone. It is a very lonely existence. I have had boyfriends since him but never let myself truly care about them since I figured they wouldn't be around long. My self-esteem is crap, I thought Kevin and I were really happy together and it was a complete surprise when he broke up with me and I never understood why. I know I am not the most beautiful woman but I don't think I am that horrible am I? And if anyone actually answers this, be honest...I don't want a bunch of BS about how "any guy would be lucky to have me", I want to know what is wrong with me that I can't even get a decent guy to ask me on a date. Besides that, I feel like I am ruining my son. I know I am hard on him, but he is so smart and could do so many things but I see him throwing it all away just like I did when I was 17. He seems so alone and has difficulty even making a simple decision. Someone I care a lot about told me not so long ago that the reason she couldn't tell me something is because she felt like she was disappointing me if she didn't follow my advice but that's the farthest thing from the truth. So many people ask me for help and advice, and I always give it because I think it is what they want and what I am supposed to do but what I really want is to help them so that they can stand on their own, I don't want to make every decision for anyone, not even my son. What is he going to do when he graduates in 5 years and is on his own? Besides not letting anyone I've dated get too close, I have kept my friends at a distance as well. None of my friends really know me, they think I have my life together and know exactly what to do but in reality I am a mess. I put on a great face in public but I am actually depressed and scared and sad. There are so many things that no one knows about me, and all I really want is to find someone who actually wants to know me. They want to know me, be there for me, not judge me, and help me when I need it. But my friends ask me what's wrong and when I don't open up they drop it. I don't share because I don't think anyone really wants to hear my problems, they just feel obligated to ask and if I push them away then they feel like they tried. I am sitting here, alone in my apartment in Des Moines, watching the movie Keeping the Faith. It's a great movie, even though I am not a religious person, and makes me think about things. I feel like there is this big hole in my life, a hole that should be filled with friends, family, and someone who loves me. I know it is my own fault that this hole exists but I have absolutely no idea what to do to change it, this is all I've known for so long. I guess that's enough, I promise if you check out the other blog the happy, carefree Amy is the one you will find there.

5.18.2006

Second time's a charm?

Well, I made a decision today that will either work out great or be the worst thing I have done since I started back to school. I had originally signed up for four Criminal Justice classes, a law class and Biochem (for the second time) as my classes for the fall. Biochem would replace the F I got last fall (Ole Miss allows two forgiveness grades so I can retake it and erase the bad grade from my transcript) and then I was going to take Biochem II in the spring and that would fulfill the requirements for my minor. This morning I dropped two of the CJ classes and signed up for Quantitative Analysis (the other class I got an F in last fall). So again I am going to attempt to take Biochem and Quant in the same semester (both are only offered in the fall). Here are the two possible outcomes...1) I make at least a C in both of them, the F's are erased from my transcript, my GPA increases a tenth of a point, I complete the requirements for my minor and I have an extremely easy final semester OR 2) I do not get a C in either one or both of the classes, I not only cannot replace a grade I also end up with more bad ones on my transcript, my GPA takes another nosedive, I do not complete the minor and do not get to graduate in May because there are no other chemistry classes I will be able to take in the spring to satisfy the minor requirements. I feel like I am taking a huge gamble but I want those F's off my transcript, I want to prove that I can get at least a C in those classes, I want my GPA to be higher so I can graduate with honors but most of all I don't want to (excuse my French) fuck this up. If I do not get C's in these classes and don't get to graduate in May 2007, I am going to be so upset, frustrated...I'm not sure what the word I'm looking for is but I'm sure you get the picture. I just hope I made the right decision, guess I'll know in December. Talk to y'all later.
Song Christina Rosetti When I am dead, my dearest, Sing no sad songs for me; Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree: Be the green grass above me With showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember, And if thou wilt, forget. I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain; I shall not hear the nightingale Sing on, as if in pain: And dreaming through the twilight That doth not rise nor set, Haply I may remember, And haply may forget.
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